Showing posts with label Cats. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cats. Show all posts

Friday, October 31, 2025

Road Trip to Retirement: A Drive to Reflect

Note:

This is the story of our final road trip west as we leave Virginia and DC and put our Foreign Service life in the rearview. 

This journey allowed time - a LOT of time - to be struck by and to reflect on how this career shaped me, what it all meant, and what we're heading towards. 

The Final Pack Out

How can it possibly be so mentally and physically exhausting to watch other people, six to be exact, wrap and pack every thing we own while we sit and watch? Grab thing, wrap in paper, put into a box, repeat repeat repeat. Without hesitation, the packers recognize what needs extra protection, whip out a box cutter and custom slice a cardboard sleeve to protect a bit of the whatsit that sticks out. Squeeeeal goes the packing tape as it's pulled off the roll, securing the cardboard wrapped around the wooden coat rack, and the ceramic planter we picked out in Juarez, and that odd shaped carving from Romania. Again and again. It's a disturbing noise that echoes through the steadily emptying apartment. They wrap the furniture last in heavy quilts pulled from an enormous stack that two of the guys brought up draped across the back of their necks from the moving van. Cobijas they call them - blankets - which sounds quite cozy for the furniture. 

This is our 11th pack out and we go through the motions on muscle memory. This move is different as everything we own is being packed up. There's no spare room we can hide out in, reading or napping on whatever furniture will stay behind. Now, the more they pack, the more the ground beneath our feet is eroded away until there's nowhere left to sit or stand that's out of their way. I'm left leaning against the living room wall like a mop. We've moved the two cats, suitcases, and any necessities we could squeeze into the car to a cheap motel across town for our final nights. From under the motel room bed, the cats are oblivious to the dismantling of all they're familiar with. It's hard enough to take in for those of us who understand.  

By 5:15 the swarm of locusts has emptied the apartment, and the moving van and crew are heading back to Maryland where the van will be unloaded into a warehouse. We're left with a box of cleaning supplies and a broom I'll leave behind. I sweep up the detritus on the floor: bits of cardboard, tape, and cat hair tumbleweeds finally freed from behind the bookshelves and tumbling across the living room. I also sweep away four years of our lives spent in this apartment and say goodbye to the 75 foot willow oak trees, the reach of their branches filled our windows and comforted me from my bed each morning. It's time to move on again.

On March 8 this year, I decided to leave the Department and the career I'd considered the professional high watermark of my life. Beyond the work, and in fact more than the work, our Foreign Service life brought my husband and me friends and adventures we would never have known if we had stayed in our small Western Washington town. And now all I can do is count down the days until we pull back into that little town: 37 to be exact. Besides the two of us and our two cats, the fifth character in this story is our car, our faithful 2011 Ford Escape bought 13 years ago. It has accompanied us to three of our overseas posts, including making cross-country drives to and from Mexico. It's easy to fool myself that this is just another vacation, another adventure - but it's not. This one is indelible. 

I feel I'm turning my back on a place I no longer recognize and can't bear to see in ruin, averting my eyes before the building collapses. The State Department that hired me in 2011 is currently a hand puppet of its former self with someone else's hand up its backside, making it say things it doesn't believe, that are contrary to its values, yet is impotent to stop. I feel some shame for not sticking it out as my colleagues are, doing their part to keep the nose of the plane level. However, even stronger is the feeling that I'm turning towards something I've been longing for: a quieter life, a more outdoors life, a life under my own direction and creative control where the standards used to evaluate myself, my worth, and my capabilities are my own. 

Road Trip Day 1: Arlington, VA to Streetsboro, OH

We are concerned about how the cats will be in the car for more than a short trip, their car experience thus far. Fortunately, they're doing very well and it seems we may have won the traveling cat lottery with no peeing, barfing, or yowling. But it's only day one. We put their carriers side-by-side on the folded-down car seats with a litter box, bowl of kibble, and potted catnip plant in front of them. A little opium den to keep spirits mellow, if you will. I open their carrier doors and twist around in my seat to observe. Seamus cautiously steps out and begins to sniff around. Bridget curls into a cinnamon bun and tells us to wake her when we're there. 


We leave Arlington, then Virginia, then Maryland, and hit Pennsylvania by lunch, Ohio by late afternoon. Our refueling and lunch stop is a no-souvenirs or postcards kind of truck stop that doesn't even have picnic tables. We can't leave the the cats in their car while we tuck into Reuben sandwiches and side salads in the diner. Instead, we stop along the edge of the parking lot and raid our cooler. Ham sandwich and apple in hand, I hop the guardrail and scramble up a grassy hill to sit under a lone tree. Better.

Pennsylvania is green, very green, with corn fields lining both sides of the interstate, punctuated with huge white or red gambrel barns and tall, silver silos. I had a wooden farm set like this as a kid where I could rearrange the pieces across a blanket printed with fields, lanes, trees, and streams. The resemblance astounds me and the memory makes me wistful for those easy days.

I'm so concentrated on the landscape zipping by the window that it's easy for me to forget we're leaving places we've called home for many years. In our 14.5 years in the Foreign Service, we've spent nearly six in Virginia, between two domestic assignments and many training stints. Virginia has always been a "see you later" place, but this time is different. We may not see you later. Our friends there now, like us, also may not be there forever. I ease myself with promises of catching up with them elsewhere and wash it down with a good dose of denial. After all, we're used to this routine: pack up, say goodbye, move on, unpack, figure it out, settle in, hit your stride, pack up, say goodbye, move on. 

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

By early evening we pull into Streetsboro, OH, not far from Cleveland. It's our first of many questionable motel choices where I won't be walking barefoot on the carpet, but it's sufficient for the night. With the car unpacked and the cats once again hidden under the bed, we leave to find dinner at one of many strip malls off the broad boulevard fronting the motel. Tonight will be BBQ sandwiches and eavesdropping on conversations from people in Ohio State sweatshirts. It's Saturday and OSU has scored a big football win; spirits are high. Folks are setting down their beers to throw axes at targets at the edge of the dining patio and toss beanbags into cornhole boards - things I'd be really bad at.

So is this what regular folks do? Are these our peers now? 


Road Trip Day 2: Streetsboro, OH to Elk Grove Village, IL

Ohio farms are beautiful and lush and look prosperous. We appreciate also that the turnpike tolls can be paid in cash to friendly toll takers in toll booths, imagine that. Pennsylvania and Illinois aren't as obliging and I start taking notes on how to pay these tolls online after the fact. We cross the top of Indiana which, despite my esteem for Pete Buttigieg, I find visually underwhelming. But they also let us pay tolls in cash, so we forgive them and keep moving on. 

On the western outskirts of Chicago we pull into another sketchy motel whose name ends in a number and unpack the cats and car. This takes close to an hour each morning for pack-up and each evening for unpack, 18 times for this trip. Urgh. But we're starting to develop a system and haven't yet locked the keys in the car or left anything/anyone behind. In a pre-dinner wander, I find a serene little pond beside the motel, wedged between the rush-hour interstate and a row of industrial warehouses, directly under O'Hare's flight path. I sit on a bench under a willow tree and watch a white heron wading in slow-motion in the shallow water. With this, I pretend it's pretty nice. 

We were excited to have dinner plans with a good friend from El Salvador and his family. He and my husband worked side by side in the Embassy for three years, laughing and ribbing each other like brothers. Our friend is a dual U.S.-Salvadoran citizen and with his wife now a green card holder, they made the difficult decision to leave tropical El Salvador for the cold winters and steamy summers of urban and expensive Chicago with their young children. His consular experience as a locally employed staff member was key to getting a good job with USCIS. With pizza slices in hand, we listened to his stories about interviewing asylum seekers from around the world. My consular heart grew two times bigger just hearing his experiences and we peppered the conversation with immigration form names and numbers and INA sections. I spent so many years marinating in this world, keeping on top of changes in law and processes, I wonder if that part of my brain will just dry up from neglect? Will this body of knowledge become like that once-loved dress in my closet that is now uselessly out of date and size?

Road Trip Day 3: Elk Gove Village, IL to Rochester, MN

This day takes us through a long stretch of Wisconsin before our overnight in Rochester, Minnesota. Wisconsin: America's Heartland! Why not America's Stomachland? No shame. That's really what they specialize in, with that uninterrupted horizon of fertile farmland dedicated to filling my belly with dairy delights. It's quite beautiful and early September offers a very hospitable climate to boot. 

I insist we detour through downtown Madison to relive a fond memory from the summer between my junior and senior years in high school. My father took me on a college campus tour of the Great Lakes region and in just a half-day visit, I became enamored with Madison and it's lakeside purview. My memory is shaky as to why I didn't apply to become a Badger, but likely they didn't offer the degree I was considering. Cruising through downtown and an unending horizon of university buildings a few decades later, I fall for the city again. I start to wonder what path my life would have taken had I gone there instead. We have a quick tailgate lunch overlooking one of the lakes with the cats staying cool in the shaded car and agree we could live here. Ask us again in February. 

State capital and city lakeside skyline

Two hours north of Madison, I-90 bends to the west and delivers us across the Mississippi River and into Minnesota. We pull into a manicured rest stop along the mighty river for a look around. I stretch my legs on a walking path leading to the water's edge and meet a neatly dressed man in a polo shirt buttoned to the collar, his fishing rod and tackle box carried in both hands. Unable to resist engagement with a safe-looking stranger, I break the ice with the typical "Soooo... what are you catching these days?" I've forgotten his reply as instantly I zero in on his accent; it's a bit of a compulsion, I'll admit. Central or Eastern Africa, for sure. More fish questions and finally I have to confirm my guess about where he's from. I learn his name is Vernon and he's a truck driver here in Minnesota, but says he's originally from Zambia. "From Lusaka?" I ask, his face registering great surprise and then a broad smile. "Yes!" We chat another beat and then I wish him good fishing and safe driving and we part ways.

I recognized Vernon's accent from 2022 when I had been offered the Consular Chief job in Lusaka, Zambia. My husband and I were excited at the prospect of the new adventure and a chance to return to south-central Africa. (I'd backpacked through the region in 2002 and my husband was a Peace Corps volunteer in the nearby-ish Central African Republic.) I gave my husband Zambian guidebooks at Christmas and we began listening to Zambian radio station streams, getting used to the accent, rhythm, the local phrases. It was about then that a voice inside me cleared its throat and quietly questioned how much longer I wanted to continue in this career. It was a voice I had been trying to ignore or rationalize away recently. With a plum assignment in hand to a coveted country - what was the issue? The issue was that I was following someone else's career plan, not my own. When I was honest with myself, this next logical step in my career progression was a bigger job than I wanted. I saw myself run ragged to keep up the guise of polished competence, work phone in hand or always in reach during off hours lest I miss something and respond later than immediately. I didn't see a place for the explorer, the stranger engager, the sometimes silly and occasionally inappropriate storytelling creative type that is ME, my default setting. I broke the assignment seven months before we were due to arrive. The pure relief I felt after being released from that job put the taste, like a drop of an illicit elixir, of freedom onto my tongue that I would savor for the next three years. 

Until today, I had never met a Zambian in the United States - why now? Was his presence on that riverbank purely coincidental or meant to remind me of that epiphany from 2022 and to reassure me that I was on the right path? Perhaps the latter, but it also made me regretful of a road not taken and melancholy about a country we would never serve in. Why does everything have to have a flip side?

We hit Rochester by early evening and find our nicest motel so far. As I'm complimenting it, I'll say its name: La Quinta Inn and Suites. Clean, modern, friendly, great staff, full breakfast, clean carpets and they give us the largest room in the joint. I think we could move in and the cats wouldn't mind. The location is uninspiring: near the interstate alongside a commercial plaza with grocery stores, a Toyota dealership, and close enough to grab some dinner without making the car move any further than necessary. Not scenic, but practical. 

Road Trip Day 4: Still Rochester

The morning's weather forecast is predicting rain for our drive today, the first we've had in a very long time, and we have a long stretch of middle-of-nowhere ahead of us. My husband reminds himself that he needs to change the wiper blades on the car and heads out to do so while I see what's on offer in the breakfast room. It's a pretty good spread, better than we've had so far for sure. I notice mostly older couples in the room, cups of coffee or orange juice in hand while they wait their turn at the automatic waffle maker. Then I notice the sign for the free shuttle from the hotel to the Mayo Clinic and my impression of our fellow hotel guests softens in empathy. I'm finishing my scrambled eggs and a second cup of tea when I realize it is taking my husband an inordinate amount of time to change out the wipers. Hmmm... Moments later, he finds me in the dining room and strides directly to my table, moving like a guy who has something important to say or do. I set down the plastic fork. 

Using a measured voice that is equal parts "I don't want you to worry" with "Let me be clear that this is not good but I'm taking care of it" he tells me there's something wrong with the car and we've got to stay another night. He found the car with a piece of the undercarriage hanging down and an impressive puddle of...fluid? drained over the right front axle. 

"I've taken it next door to the Toyota dealership and they're going to look at it and let us know. They're going to try to squeeze us in by noon." Understood. Taking up my fork, I scarf the final bites of now-cold eggs and transition into our unspoken division of labor: he takes care of mechanical stuff; I'm on lodging, pets, and provisions. The kind front desk clerk rebooks us into the same fancy room for a second night and for some reason the rate has gone down a few bucks. 

I've always been lucky in my bad luck, and having this happen 100 yards from a dealership, while we're ensconced in a nice hotel with a cheap rate, the cats having fun in the spacious room, and walking distance to a grocery store - we really couldn't complain. We did, however, just a bit when the damage was relayed from the dealership. A splash guard had come loose and fallen onto the CV axle boot, rubbing a hole in it and letting all the lovely lubricant ooze all over everything. No bueno, but a half day and $900 bucks later and she is good to go. We now have a day to rest and with a steady rain falling, it seems only prudent to visit the hotel's indoor pool and hot tub. 

We are joined in the hot tub by large Thad, a bearded and tattooed 31-year old from North Dakota here for diagnosis of something unknown with his heart. I know these details, as he tells us outright. Despite his circumstances, he's a jovial and open guy and the three of us chat in the hot tub longer and to a far more personal level than we anticipated when we swung our towels over our shoulders and walked towards the hot tub. 

"It's the Bakken that did this to me." 

"Come again?" I ask.

Thus begins a fascinating description of the vast area covering much of the U.S. northern plains and two Canadian provinces, the men that work in the oil and gas fields there, and the things they do to themselves to keep up with the 60-90 hour work weeks of intense labor. We agree with his speculation as to the cause of his heart condition. He's fortunate that he has a wife and two daughters willing to settle there and soften his life in what sounds like a post-apocalyptic wild west. He's young, strong and we wish him the best care. I regret regaling him earlier with our tales of "but it's all fixed now" mechanical woe.

Road Trip Day 5: Rochester, MN to Chamberlain, SD

We're back in business and I take the wheel for the first half of our drive across the rest of southern Minnesota and into South Dakota. Of all the segments of our trip, this is the one I'm looking forward to the most, as South Dakota is the only state in the continental United States I haven't yet visited. Besides, we're booked to stay at a funky mom-and-pop motel alongside the mighty Missouri River and the state has some pretty awesome sights we plan to hit tomorrow. Two hours west of Rochester, the scenery looks like this:


And then like this:


With the smooth sailing, Seamus occupies himself surfing the roof of his carrier as car captain. Bridget reminds us to wake her when we get there.



Three cups each of hot beverages, as enjoyable as they are with breakfast, have their side effects, and two hours into the drive we agree to pull off at the next rest stop for a bathroom break. The off ramp is a sweeping right-hand curve and no sooner had I decelerated and started the turn than a god-awful screaming, squealing metallic noise assaulted us from the right front wheel area. Yes, the very one that was just repaired. I shut off the radio to make sure the noise wasn't just an ill-advised artistic choice in a song. Nope. We look at each other with matching "OH SHIT" expressions and I bring the car to a stop in the wide parking lot, sized for the semi-trucks that are the only other occupants. 

We drive the car in slow figure eights to diagnose when and from where the noise is coming. There's no town in sight -- and we can see for a really long ways. Thankfully there is cell service and online I find two likely repair options 40 miles either this way or that way. Picking randomly, we get back on the interstate and head for one. Knowing my husband will be physically stronger and more level-headed should the front half of the car fall off at 65 mph, I take the passenger seat. Meanwhile, he suggests I search YouTube for help on "what to do when you've just installed a new CV axle boot and your car suddenly makes a horrific noise while turning." Miracle of miracles, the first video I click on just happens to address our exact predicament, including a recording of the noise we heard and a sharp, clear-spoken narrator guiding viewers through the repair. My husband pulls off the highway at a graveled wide spot, studies the video, jumps out of the car, and without hesitation slides onto his back under the front end. Following the sage advice to the syllable, he FIXES THE CAR with his bare hands. Noise gone, car moving perfectly. Away we go again! Bridget doesn't even wake up. 

I am silly with relief and sing along with an old '70s song on the radio, changing the words to fit the setting: "Corn to the left of me, soybeans to the right; here I am stuck in the middle with you" and thank my stars I married a practical man. 

There are still a few hours of daylight left when we hit Chamberlain, SD and park in front of our room in the charming-and-as-funky-as-expected A Bridge View Inn. After unpacking and settling the cats, my husband grabs a pillow and I grab my camera to stroll along the lazily moving Missouri, taking in the motel's namesake vista. It's a generally quiet town, but especially now as we later learn from the 17 year old waitress as she takes our dinner order. They're between fishin' and huntin' seasons, but soon - this place will be rockin'! Seeing the giant truck-and-boat parking lot and adjacent overflow lot - we're inclined to believe her. 

I wonder what life here is like and picture myself on the porch of one of the Victorian houses we pass on the walk home from dinner. Right now the slow pace feels soothing, but what about the following week? I have a sneaking suspicion that the level of stimulus I've grown accustomed to has set my engine idle far too high to be satisfied in this environment for long, plus I'm not much of a hunter or fisher. The next morning I stare at the sunrise reflecting off the bridge while sipping tea from a paper cup and feel satisfied to be moving on. 


Road Trip Day 6: Chamberlain, SD to Gillette, WY

It takes just under two hours of driving due west for the topography to change dramatically. The first indication that the plains are giving way to something else comes in the form of jagged bluffs appearing suddenly on the horizon:


The Badlands sneak up on us, not because we don't know they would be there, but because we've had only gentle undulations beyond the windshield since we left Virginia. Seeing them growing in height and focus in the distance speaks clearly to me that we are certainly in The West. Apparently crossing the Mississippi and then the Missouri Rivers weren't clues enough of this much-anticipated literal and symbolic transition; the scenery now looks like the Wild West and it's undeniable we are nowhere near DC and all that comes with it. We pull into the Badlands National Park and stop at the first viewpoint. The raw, eroded peaks look as if someone turned the grassy plain inside out, showing us what should normally be under the surface. From the highest overview, we wind down to the valley floor and see the same peaks from ground level on the immersive 39-mile park loop road. 




The day has more wildness in store for us as we curve up and around the South Dakota Black Hills, through infamous Sturgis, and wind through the piney woods to find Devil's Tower, our first stop in Wyoming.  


The wind had been battering the car most of the day and amped to an alarming velocity as we entered the high, dry plateau of northeastern Wyoming. We find our hotel in downtown Gillette and begin the unpacking and stuff-shuttling routine. I accidentally litter a stack of napkins from inside the car as upon opening the door it is ripped from my grip. The napkins are vacuumed instantly across the street and out of sight before I can even react to grab them. Everything around us looks tough and this is clearly a testosterone-centric town and economy. From the roughnecks that work on the oil and gas rigs, to the coal and uranium miners, to the ranchers stringing barbwire in this wind - and snow - Wyoming means business. It has no room for people who whine about littering napkins or pick their navels about no longer being diplomats. 

Road Trip Day 7: Gillette, WY to Livingston, MT

The prior night's winds are temporarily abated and we hit the interstate once again, this time heading north through the corner of Wyoming and into eastern Montana. Like Texas, one doesn't drive through Montana in one day (at least we don't), and so we aim to make it to just north of Yellowstone Park today, home to the most expensive cheap motels of our trip. 

From the passenger seat, I send a friend in DC a few photos and updates of our progress thus far. I include a snap of last night's sunset, taken as we waited to cross the street on the way to dinner. 

"Beautiful, but do they not sell sedans in Wyoming?" she asks.

"Sedans are for pussies or Commie liberals." I add.

"And vegetarians."

We have a good emoji laugh, but I acknowledge that the further west we get into these wide-open spaces, into the pine, sage, and cow-poop smelling countryside - the more soothing the trip becomes. ask how she's adjusting to her new assignment, her first inside Main State, aka the State Department's headquarters in DC. 

She responds, "Surely (your trip is) more fun than having to think about what could possibly be in your work email every morning. Smelling cow poop sounds divine to me." 

With that, my stomach clenches just remembering how I felt at work more often than not, and particularly when summiting the steep learning curve of a new assignment. That dread of knowing there's more work to be done than time in the day, not including the regular injection of tasks from some higher office, usually with tight deadlines and little guidance on how to accomplish them. The environment kept my pot of anxiety continually on slow simmer, bubbling away. Some folks thrive under this kind of pressure and relish the challenge of training with live ammunition. I'm far too risk-adverse to be one of them. My last ambassador, while making his rounds through the embassy once said, "This is the best job in the world. If you're not having fun - something's wrong!" While I appreciated the reminder of the really cool things we did indeed have our hands in, it was the last part of his declaration that worried me. Was there something wrong with me that I wasn't always having fun?


The five-hour drive through the upper right corner of Wyoming and a good stretch of Montana brings us through towns and cities whose names I recognize from Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall movies. To our distant west, we begin to see what I'd been waiting for: real mountain peaks on the dusty horizon. When I couldn't get them into focus, I first blame a dirty, bug-spattered windshield. Then I rub my eyes and adjust the exposure on my camera, but nothing brings those peaks in sharply. Finally, we realize it's wildfire smoke throughout the region that is blurring the view. Unbeknownst to us at the time, this smoky horizon would be something we'll contend with for the next five weeks. Welcome, and get used to wildfire season. 


The Yellowstone River - our companion for many miles


Livingston, MT


This wasn't the first time I'd taken a leap of faith in my life by heading west. In fact, it was the third.

The first time was a year after college. I was living in New York City with three friends in a one-bedroom apartment and commuting to an entry-level job at a Wall Street travel agency in my own version of Melanie Griffith's late '80s "Working Girl" in tennies and ankle socks and my career girl suit. After just a few months, the "check engine" light on my soul came on and I quit the job, ditched the suit, and got hired over the phone to be a wrangler at a guest ranch in Colorado, sight-unseen. 

The second time was after another college graduation, this time with an Equine Studies degree spurred on by the Colorado ranch experience. I got on the Amtrak in Boston and got off in Spokane, WA to start a job at a horse training and lesson barn. Each of these moves west were made with an unwavering instinct that I was both doing the right thing and was going to be okay, despite the long list of unknowns. Gazing out the window at Montana's unmistakable "western-ness," I was struck by the parallel and while choking back tears, concluded that this time, too, I had made the right decision and all would be okay. 

Road Trip Day 8: Livingston, MT to Haugan, MT

Last night's sketchy motel does not live up to the adjective that is the first word in its name. In fact, the only thing super about it is the super-sized room rate, given our location at the gateway to Yellowstone. (It's a long gate, btw, as visitors are still an hour's drive to the park entrance.) In the morning, nearly $200 later, we pack up once more and drive five hours deeper into the wildfire smoke to one of those roadside attraction motels whose signs taunt drivers for hours before they arrive with promises of silver dollar winnings at their casino and all the pies and souvenirs you could want. It does not disappoint. Even the cats agree, as the lovely woman at the front desk gives us a basket of cat toys and treats and their own blanket for the pleasure of staying. All this and pie, too? I vow to buy something from the gift shop. 

Road Trip Day 9: Haugan, MT to Manson, WA

Over a hearty breakfast including basketball-diameter pancakes whose calories I certainly haven't earned sitting in our car for a week, I gaze out at the evergreens surrounding the restaurant and get wistful again. There has been a lot of that lately. I remember a conversation with a dear colleague in El Salvador. She was in my office one morning and I was recounting the details of some day trip my husband and I had taken and showing her my photos when she smiled and stepped back. 

"You don't want to do all this," she waved a hand around my desk and office.  

"You want to do THAT," she pointed to the photo on my computer. 

Her comment silenced me. I knew she was right, but I couldn't say it out loud yet. However, I was secretly thrilled that someone else had recognized it, so it must be true. 

Back on the interstate, we pass an important milestone:


Followed by a brief dash across the narrow bit at the top of Idaho:


We are not only in the west, but specifically the Pacific Northwest with all its pine, fir, and cedar-scented goodness. With its moss-covered trees and steep grades on the interstate. I choke up a bit again as we cross into Washington and are surrounded by cars with Washington plates, guys in Seahawks jerseys, and exits for towns I've visited. Otis Orchards, Spokane Valley, Airway Heights, Davenport, Grand Coulee. We'd made it. No more saying Washington STATE when asked where we're from. No more explaining where we plan to retire, "Oh, you won't have heard of it; it's a little town 27 miles north of Seattle." 

These are our peeps and this our state. We're home. 

Freshly harvested Central Washington wheat fields


Well, almost. 

First there is a little matter of one month to kill as we wait for our tenants to move out of our house. We have rented an A-frame cabin along the shore of Lake Chelan, surrounded by an apple orchard. The sinewy, 50-mile long lake is tucked into the eastern slope of the Cascade range that divides the big cities, mossy, damp, and evergreen Western Washington from the drier, agricultural heart that makes up the other two-thirds of the state. We bring the cats in from the car for the penultimate time and introduce them to their first set of stairs. Bridget takes to being a loft dwelling lioness immediately; Seamus hides under the downstairs bed for a few days before gaining his courage to explore. The month passes with a routine of morning yoga and walks in the orchard, afternoons sitting on the dock reading or tossing a line into the lake, slicing apples for maybe too many apple crisps, and definitely too many days on the phone going through the bureaucracy of reinstating our civilian lives in Washington: insurance, car registration, utilities, changes of address, finding doctors and dentists, and even a wee bit of job searching. The wildfire smoke continues to plague us with air quality indexes occasionally matching Delhi or Beijing, and then with a wind shift - leaving us with crystal clear views of our stunning surroundings. 

Our temporary orchard home








Road Trip Day 37: Manson, WA to Snohomish, WA

With final goodbyes to the cozy cabin and its lake view, we pull away from the orchards and hit the highway for the last time. Although we know the route all too well from living in Washington for decades, I turn on "lady" (what we call Google maps) to get a drivetime update. 
"Due to wildfire closures on Highway 2, your route may be affected. There are no alternate routes." 

Translation: You can't get there from here. 

Ummm.... WHAT? There are only so many passes over the Cascades and we know access to one is already closed due to the fires, and now she is saying our planned route is closed with no alternates, not even the far northern pass that would double our drive time?! Nooooooo!

With my husband at the wheel, and reminiscent of my frantic googling in Minnesota for car repair options, I search official sites to verify her dire prognosis. She was wrong; Highway 2 is NOT closed. Phew. And damn you, lady!

We wind our way out of the eastern foothills and up into the evergreens, their undergrowth a crimson carpet. 


At exactly the crest of Steven's Pass, as we begin to descend, the first raindrops hit the windshield. Welcome to Western Washington.

The valley floor flattens at the first town with a funny name, Index, followed by Gold Bar, Startup, and Sultan. The highway parallels the meandering Skykomish River into Monroe where it joins forces with the Snoqualmie River and becomes the Snohomish River -  the tribal namesake for our town and county. For both of us, this is familiar stomping grounds and we comment about what looks the same, point out what wasn't there before, and rely on each other's memories about why do I know Old Owen Road? 

Finally, we exit the highway.


That afternoon we pull into the driveway of our own house and the property manager meets us to return the keys. We unlock the front door and step into the house for the first time since we bought it years ago and turned over the keys for her to rent out.  

And just like that, we return to our regularly-scheduled life, already in progress. 

Final Thoughts

I hold my years in the Foreign Service as the most personally and professionally challenging period of my almost six decades of life. Without the educational or work experience that typically leads to such a career, it was only by dogged determination and a summer of studying that I got there. With my husband and our original three tabbies in tow, then our two new kitties, we had adventures and experiences that gave color, texture, and excitement to our lives. We made wonderful friends, heard fascinating stories, learned languages, and along the way absorbed more about our own country and four others and foreign relations than I'd ever have anticipated. (I still love to geek out on all things immigration law!) I was tenured and promoted twice, but damn it wasn't an easy ride. The mix of adrenaline, accomplishment, and gratitude I felt for simply being selected and trusted to represent the country carried me through the inherent stress of being continually in movement, being on some section of the learning curve, always changing and adapting, rarely resting. But all the while, I felt I was wearing someone else's suit, a uniform I was proud to wear that garnered respect and credibility, but didn't feel like my own. 

It's now time for a new chapter and my own set of clothes. 

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Toby

The summer of 1998 found me living alone in my first own house with two little kittens.  Growing up, we'd always had cats and for years I'd wanted my own, but I was living the life of a young person: moving regularly for college, working abroad, and renting apartments.  I felt it wasn't a stable enough life to bring little ones into (and trust me, by that I mean the feline - not human - kind).  Months after buying the house, litter mates Dodger and Daphne joined me.  My home was complete. And then one month later, I bought the wrong box of cereal and it changed all our lives. 

Actually, the box of cereal I bought was the one I wanted, it's just that the wrong cereal was inside the box, and it was the kind I didn't like.  No, I'd never had this happen before either, not in cereal or canned fruit or anything for that matter, and to top it off - it had dried dates in it which I didn't like as they annoyed me by getting stuck in my teeth.  Miffed, I decided to exchange the box at the grocery store on my way home from work that evening.

I was working as a riding instructor in those days and it was common to head home from the barn about 9 pm after the last student left and the horses were cared for and put away.  Cereal box night was no exception.  Being the Pacific Northwest in summer, even that late it was still light out.  Walking through the store's automatic doors, I noticed a teenage girl sitting near the entrance with a box on her lap.  I don't recall if she called out to me, or was talking to someone else, but somehow I heard the word "kittens" and turned on my heels - just to have a look.  Inside the box were two teenie kittens: one black and gray tabby with a white nose and tuxedo and an even tinier white one with gray patches.  They were each smaller than my hand.  She explained that they belonged to her neighbor who had already drowned their mother in a bucket and was planning to do the same with the kittens. The girl saved them from this vile man and took them to the grocery store to hopefully find them homes.  But now it was after 9 pm, she had to get home and there were two left. Her parents forbade her from keeping them.  I explained that I already had two little kittens and I certainly couldn't keep four.  Thankfully she was persistent and convinced me that if I just took them that night, tomorrow I could take them to a pet store where she was sure they'd be happy to have free kittens to sell, but she just couldn't bring them back anywhere near that horrible neighbor.  

I think you know what happened.  Minutes later with a new box of cereal in hand, I took the box o' kittens and drove home.  
Toby and brother Froggy soon after we met.
Not knowing if they were sick or how Dodger and Daphne would react to the newcomers, I set them up in a spare bedroom for the night.  I estimated they were about one month younger than my two, but they seemed to be eating and drinking on their own just fine. 

The next morning I began to call local pet stores who let me know politely, but firmly, that it just doesn't work that way.  They'd be over run with kittens if they simply took in litters that people couldn't give away.  Call a shelter. Or hey, adopt them out yourself.  
Knowing they were still too young to be separated, I decided to foster them until I could find them proper homes.  With a schedule full of riding students - there had to be someone who would take one or two darling kittens.  I can't remember how long it took me to name them, but the little white and gray became Froggy because he was kind of bullfrog shaped with itty-bitty bowed legs and a bigger body. The fluffy tuxedo with his anime eyes became Toby as he was so sweet and I'd had fond memories of two horses I'd known over the years named Toby.  But anyway, they were just a placeholder names until their new families were found.  It only took about a week to see they weren't sick, and the little two were incorporated into the pride and instantly accepted by the "big cats." 

Shortly thereafter, I found a future home for Toby.  The grandmotherly baby sitter of two of my riding students decided she'd adopt him when he was just a bit bigger and I agreed to keep him a few more weeks. She said he'd be called Sylvester and I was happy to know that the little girls I'd see each week in lesson would also be with him each day and be able to give me reports. 


Just try to tell me that's not the cutest kitten you've ever seen. I dare you.
Then suddenly Froggy went from frisky and boldly exploring the garden with the others, to puny and not eating.  I took him to the vet who told me he couldn't even draw blood from him because at his size - it would have been too great a loss to his little system.  In a very short time, and despite our desperate efforts to save him, he died on his own.  The vet simply said that some kittens were "poor doers" and there was nothing that could have been done.  It was crushing to lose the little guy after he had been doing so well. I buried him in the garden under the plum tree in a pretty little box and decided right then that there was no way I was losing Toby, too.  I told the babysitter lady that I was afraid she'd have to find another Sylvester and Toby became a permanent member of the family. 

His personality grew along with his unusually large paws and his luxurious coat.  Soon, there was no size difference between the three of them and they got along marvelously.  Toby's penchant for sleeping in what I called "kitty porn" poses resulted in a series of centerfold photos spanning his whole life:


Toby the Kitten Pin-up Boy

Have some shame man, really!

Teen Toby and his magnificent stripey belly


Even as a geriatric kitty - he couldn't resist.
Although he was shy and headed under the nearest bed when company came, with family he was all about the on-contact purr as he melted into a boneless bundle in my arms or on our laps. 
Post-Thanksgiving dinner? I don't remember him quite this... fluffy.




Let me tell ya' 'bout my best friend...


As each of the other Tabbies did, Toby also collected a list of nicknames. For a while he was "Tub-pee" for self-explanatory reasons. My husband figured if he was going to "think outside the box," the tub was the best place to do it and we just rinsed out the shower before stepping in.  Later he was Tobias T. Cat, Toblerone, Hoss or Big Beef (because of his big boots), Buddy and T-Bone after a particular Seinfeld episode. Over the years, he and Dodger became the best of buddies.  In fact, the whole clan got along famously; Daphne mothering the boys and each one taking turns cleaning the others' hard to reach spots. 

The three of them were already 13 years old when we signed up for a Foreign Service life and packed them off first to FSI (just the boys with me, and Daphne stayed behind with my husband for six months), then to Bogota, FSI again, Juarez, FSI again and finally Bucharest.  By their teen years they were no longer shy, no more hiding under beds when company came and while I can't say they liked it - they traveled very well and adapted to their new environments quite quickly.

But last Christmas, around the same time we lost Dodger, Toby's health changed.  It started with occasional incontinence, then regular incontinence.  We removed the apartment rugs and invested a king's ransom in doggy pee pads, paper towels and Nature's Miracle.  In June, around his 19th birthday, my husband gave Toby his last nickname -  Captain Underpants - and he became a true Pampered elderly gentleman.


Captain Underpants in his de-luxe bed. 
Diapers? Why not! Toby never ever complained and just pulled his rabbit-thumper paws up to his ears when it was diaper-changing time. 
 It was about this time, as our Romanian adventure was winding down, that he was also diagnosed with mesenteric cancer. There was a mass in his abdomen, perhaps in his bladder and lymph nodes. Even with this diagnosis, outwardly he looked great: maintaining his usual personality and strong appetite.  At his age, full exploration to treat the cancer was simply not something we wanted to put him through. My husband and I decided that he'd have palliative care for any symptoms that came along and we'd just love and nurse him at home, as he'd known all his life.  

Late this summer, the cancer progressed and he began exhibiting visible signs of the disease.  Despite a strong appetite, underneath his still-luxurious coat his muscles were wasting away.  Then the seizures started.  My husband was home with him for each one and comforted him through the fits and the single yowl that punctuated each episode. We tried anti-seizure medications, but they made him too groggy and wobbly to walk well and unwilling to eat, so we stopped them.  Two Fridays ago and sleeping in our bedroom, he had three seizures in the course of one night.  By morning, my husband and I knew that it was time.  

Two buddies hanging out on the balcony, October 2017. 
We'd been referred to a service called Lap of Love that has veterinarians who will come to patients' homes to help pets through their last moments.  We made an appointment for 3:00 that afternoon and spent the day with him.  It was a perfect fall day so we took him out to the grass on the grounds of our apartment building and let him sniff around, feeling the sunny breeze in his fur.  He plunked down on his side and just hung out with us instead. After a bit, we gathered him back up and returned to the apartment for his appointment. The vet was delayed 15 minutes, and at 3:00 exactly, Toby had one last, bad seizure which erased any lingering doubt we may have harbored as to whether or not this was the right time.  Dr. Stephanie was exceptionally kind and patient, and talked us through the peaceful procedure as Toby stretched out on the couch between my husband and me.  We pet him and talked to him until his last breath.  The vet let us take our time in saying goodbye, then wrapped him sweetly in a blanket, put him in a basket and took him to be cremated.  His ashes arrived a week later. 


Toby's last day on my lap, as relaxed and beautiful as ever. 
The pain of having to put a beloved fur-family member to sleep has two sharp edges: the grief of their loss from our lives and the horrible second-guessing, guilt and doubt that comes with wondering if we made the right decision that he wouldn't be with us anymore.  With all three Tabbies, the sharp deterioration in their health helped ease this second part as we saw how their lives had become more about the disease than life.  (However, having said that, I still feel a stabbing "what if" about Daphne and guilt that her last week was spent at the vet instead of home with us.)  With the last one gone, what remains is the emptiness of not having their little furry selves at home.  For the first time in 19 years, I woke up the next morning, walked into the living room and kitchen, and simply didn't know what to do with myself.  There was nobody to feed, nobody to greet me entering the room, nothing to scoop or wipe up, no one to scoop into my arms and step onto the balcony to greet the day - nothing; it was just our furniture and a stack of unpacked cardboard boxes.  I walked aimlessly from room to room a bit, put the kettle on, and took a shower. That was it. 19 years as the Cats' Mother was over. 

So much of my adult identity had revolved around these three - heck, look at the name of this blog. I've always been that cat lover. Picking a cat-themed gift for me has been a sure bet for two decades. I still hear myself saying, "Oh, we have cats, too!" in conversations, and at home catch movement out of the corner of my eye when it's actually just slippers. 

I do know that we gave them the best lives they could have had in terms of love, care and attention. I am proud of that. And I know we'll have cats again; I can guarantee that.  
But not now. Not for a while.  My husband and I need time to just be able to walk out the door, get in the car and go away for the night without planning for their care and fretting over how they're doing the whole time we're away.  I feel a little sad for the next kitties that come into our lives, frankly.  They'll have huge shoes to fill and I can't imagine they'll ever be as funny, sweet, loving, cuddleable as Dodger, Daphne and Toby.  

As for the title of the blog? We remain Tabbies in Tow; these three will never leave us.